I'd be lying if I said the last six weeks have been without their bumpy spots. I mean, Logan staying with us without all the wedding chaos and moving to the new place would have been weird enough for him, but that definitely added to everything. Mostly because I was a total basket case. I'm not even sure if he has any idea how many times my dad caught me sitting at the counter watching him sleep, reminding myself he was okay - that he was still with me after being so used to falling asleep with him - in the first couple of weeks. To say Backup and I hovered would be the understatement of the millennium, really.

So we've had a few overblown fights, but I think we're okay. I mean, he knows I wasn't doing it to drive him insane.

So, two weeks of hovering like crazy and driving him insane, a week of packing and moving things into the new place, and a couple of weeks with just the kids at the new place while Dad and Alicia were on their honeymoon, and here we are. Alicia's being really, really understanding about Logan staying with us. She's got him bunked in with Wallace, which wouldn't have been my first choice, but you can't really convince them that there's no risk of us doing anything while he's still healing. I get it. I just miss falling asleep with him. A five month habit's hard to break.

On the up side? I've got the three most important people in the world to me all under one roof. And I think Logan's actually glad to be here for more than just the distance it keeps Trina at. I mean, he knows he's got people around that care about him. He and Wallace are definitely getting to know each other better. But sometimes I think he feels left out because he's not actually part of the family and he wants to feel like a part of one. I know he does, actually, from the conversation we had the night my dad told me he and Alicia were getting married. He doesn't really talk about it much either way, though.

We're all settling in to some sort of routine and getting used to being in each other's space. Wallace and my dad are both doing their best to keep me distracted so I don't worry about Logan constantly, for which I'm sure he's thankful. Though I'm kind of shocked that Dad's letting me near the office at all right now.

Duncan and Meg came over earlier with the baby, and I have no idea what he and Duncan talked about but things seemed completely fine when he left. Meg looked as amazed as I was when they came out to the backyard where we were and they were acting as if nothing had ever happened. Though I guess it was 6 months ago. Things just don't work like that in girl world though. The situation with Meg and I was definitely helped by the fact that I was perfectly content with Logan and posed no threat at all.

I'd just gotten back from taking Backup for a walk to find Logan on the couch playing video games."I leave for like, 40 minutes and you're already completely engrossed in a game?" I tease lightly, wondering where Wallace and Darrel were and why they weren't playing with him as I settled on the couch beside him.

I didn't sleep. Well, at least, not well. Every time I twisted in discontent sleep, the bandage would pull harder at my skin and there would be a dull ache that was quickly turning into a sharp pain as the medication wore off. There were times throughout the night that I was waking myself up with each uncomfortable movement.

And there was the fact that there was this missing warmth beside me in the end.

I had gone to bed with Veronica for months and I was used to the warm body next to mine. We'd spent a week apart while I was in the hospital, now she was sharing a bed with my sister of all people and her dad was using a cot in the room.

Trina had been the first one to pass out thankfully. We were all thankful she exhausted herself out with her own voice. And I was fiddling around with the remote and the television - catching briefly that reaired episode of Tinseltown Diaries that had us caught ourselves by Keith and Liam Fitzpatrick. I quickly switched the TV set off and closed my eyes. Even though Veronica and Mr. Mars thought I was asleep, I wasn't. I think I passed out for a little while between the two of them going out and hours later when Keith was asleep across the room and Veronica was up and crawling in the bed next to me.

I stirred slightly, but it had been light sleep anyway with the continual aching.

"Veronica?" I questioned softly, opening my eyes and blinking until I adjusted to the dark, seeing her shape in the close distance.

For some reason I had this increasingly anxious feeling that I wasn't going to be seeing her half as much when we got home - even if I did occupy a space on their couch until I was 'back on my feet' (which I was liking better than what Trina was talking about). Don't worry, Trine. Your place won't burn down too.

I brushed a few hairs from Veronica's face in the dark without any more words. I wanted to be back in Virginia more than anyone. Probably more than Veronica because Veronica hadn't had her dad there and I knew the importance of Keith Mars to her. Or maybe I vaguely knew and knowing that much was already a lot.

Maybe I wanted to go back because I didn't have to be me. Not the me I was in Neptune. Not the kid who hated his life and was routinely kicked in the balls (metaphorically, of course). Everything just looked a little better there. Until Liam Fitzpatrick blew bullet holes into that fantasy.

I blinked the sleep out of my eyes - it was constant exhaustion, but I didn't really care when Veronica was beside me. "You okay?" I asked, my voice a little lower and husky from what sleep I did get.

The questioned seemed stupid in hindsight.

( Daddy-Daughter time )
Okay, so I think all things considered I handled that all fairly well. I mean, it was basically sprung on me out of nowhere. But I wasn't lying when I said I was happy for my dad. Or when I said I liked Alicia and Darrell. And it would probably be kinda fun to live with Wallace for the summer. Assuming we don't drive each other insane, at least. My dad was right when he said that this was going to be a big change, but I honestly think - for once - this is a good change for the Mars family. And the Fennels.

Six days since Liam Fitzpatrick decided to let himself in the back door of our perfect little apartment and shatter our happy little lives. I know, that entire sentence is full of glaring cliché-like statements, but I don't really know how else to put it... for all intents and purposes, that's what he did.
Six days since my dad came to the rescue and made sure things didn't get a whole lot worse than they already were. and they could and probably would have been a lot worse if he hadn't shown up and saved me like he always does...
Six days since I heard the Code Blue for Logan's room and felt like my heart stopped.
Six days since my dad called Trina to tell her what was going on and she saw fit to hop on a plane and blow in like the hurricane we all know she is.

To say that day was one of the most difficult of my entire life is probably doing a lot more than understating it. Logan and I were both so on edge and stressed out by the time he woke up that three-quarters of what we were doing amounted to driving each other crazy in the decidedly not fun way when all I really wanted to do was be happy he was okay. Underneath my going completely manic and doing whatever I could to gain some sort of control on the situation, I think he knew that.

As happy as I was to actually be able to see my dad for the first time in basically five months, and believe me, I was thrilled, at the same time, I almost wish that neither he or Liam had showed up when they did. Effectively bursting the bubble of this admittedly fake but rather nice life Logan and I had managed to build for ourselves...

We were happy. I mean, I missed my dad, but things were good. We were doing so much better than I thought we would under the circumstances... having been back together less than a month by the time we got to Virgina Beach to being on the run because I broke Logan out of jail and pretending we're married while we're doing all that is kind of huge. But we settled right into it as if it was the most natural thing in the world, didn't we? We had our rough spots, but we always have those. I know the intense circumstances brought us so much closer together than we probably would have been back home... like they kind of accelerated the natural progression of things, but I'm not so sure that's exactly a bad thing. If we can have one stable thing when we get back to a life that continued to go on without us, it can only be a good thing.

The thing is though? Neither Logan or I really completely wanted to leave. I mean, murderous psychotic mobster intrusion aside, we were plenty comfy in our apartment. We didn't lack anything we really needed, we had good jobs. I had two if you count the photography, we had a surrogate family looking out for us... at least Maribeth seems to believe we didn't keep the truth from them to hurt them in any way now. Everything was in so many ways better than the life we'd left behind...

Unfortunately we both knew the fantasy couldn't last forever and we'd end up back in Neptune eventually. And things are going to be so different. We'll still spend time together, but it won't be nearly as constant as it was. I won't be falling asleep listening to his breathing or steady heartbeat. But we'll adjust. We'll deal. Once we go to summer school to make up the semester we lost, or get our GEDs... once we're in Berkley things'll be somewhere between what we've gotten used to and what we're going back to. I think I should be calling the Dean of Admissions and figuring out if I have to defer a semester or not with the summer school thing when we get home...

That's what home is, when you get right down to it. I hate it at times for all the horrible things that have happened, but it's home. It's where my dad, Wallace, Backup, and everybody else short of Logan have been without us for months, and as much as I'm not sure I'm ready to give up the life I had with Logan, it will be good to see them. Even Meg and Duncan and little baby Lilly. Lucky for us, Dad somehow worked something out with Lamb so that we won't get tossed in jail as soon as we're back in Balboa County. I'm not sure how he managed it, but I'm not complaining about the lack of being arrested for bribing Leo into helping me break Logan out, honestly.

All our stuff got packed up and is being shipped out tomorrow. Giving us a day's head start so we have half a chance of beating it to California. Logan still can't understand why I wanted to hang on to it, but I know that's just because he knows he could get whatever he wants when he gets back, that everything was completely replaceable. But why replace it when you don't have to? It's kind of technically mine anyway. It was my Berkeley money that financed our secret life in Virgina Beach.

We've been on the road almost 8 hours now, and we're just about to Tennessee and Logan's starting to look like he's probably had enough of being jostled around in the car for one day. Not that this is anything compared to the clunker we drove up here in, but still. We got a bit of a late start as it was because the doctors were slightly antsy about us undertaking a cross-country drive so soon, so we all promised we wouldn't push it. Logan really was doing better, and we'd all rather be back in Neptune than camped out in that hospital anymore.

"Maybe we should ask my dad to find somewhere to crash for the night?" I asked him softly, hoping Trina wouldn't overhear and start round one billion of asking if he was okay. Why she couldn't just fly back is beyond me (Most of the reason I'd let Dad drive was so I could sit in the back with Logan and hopefully keep Trina from driving him crazy... didn't exactly work out).

And for the record? I love my car, but I don't think I've ever been so glad I fought Logan on the whole it being the Sedan model and not the coupe. The extra space alloted by the extra doors is really nice right now, four of us in this thing for days on end is going to be so far from fun. And as much as I generally don't have too much of an issue with Trina, I'm not sure how many days straight of her I can stand and remain sane, so I can just imagine what Logan feels like. We probably had three more days of this.

"We can get some food, sleep... stop moving before we reach the point of feeling like we're still in a moving vehicle until we pass out?" I smiled to him. The whole still feeling like we were in a moving vehicle thing was one of the less fond memories from the trip out.

I can't say waking up in a hospital, with an IV feeding you wonder drugs that are some weak attempt to sedate you from wondering what the hell has happened or why your entire body just aches, is the best way in the world to come to some sort of consciousness. Personally, waking up next to Veronica would have been first choice, but this is the sort of thing that happens when you get shot. Yeah, a second later that memory actually came to mind. I nearly panicked until I remembered that Veronica was safe now. That her dad was here and she was safe.

The doctor who was dealing with my case has explained to me in great detail what had happened when I came in, even mentioning that my heart had stopped from the stress on my body. But I'm still here and that was all that really even mattered in the end. I was stable now and I could expect pain for the next few months and occasionally during my life, but I was lucky that the bullet didn't puncture any major organs.

"Can I see my girlfriend?" I asked the doctor, not looking up to him but inspecting the cheap cotton hospital sheets and the antiseptic smelling room. It all seemed too much of something.

And part of me is not even close to being surprised. The truth is that all this shit probably should have happened a year ago. It was a long time coming. I just manage to keep surviving. And yay on the surviving bit, but it's for Veronica. I just can't help but thinking that it's too much danger for her. All I can hear her saying is that someone is going to get killed - and this time it was almost me.

I understood that anger. Hell, I had been so damn angry when Lilly had died on me. Because even after all of this I couldn't blame her for what happened. I wanted to and I couldn't. And I didn't want Veronica to feel that way about me. Like she should be angry at me for leaving.

The doctor leaves the room. I'm sure he knows by this moment that I wasn't actually listening to everything he was saying. It was in one ear and out the other and I didn't care. All I wanted to do was rip out the IV from under my skin because it was itching and I just wanted it not to be there. Just like I really just didn't want to be here.

Even still, I get these flashes of Veronica sobbing hysterically, the look on her face in the apartment and Keith Mars telling me to focus and stay awake. Lifting up the hospital gown to inspect the wound, I saw it was covered in a clean white bandage and tape. I contemplated pulling that off too, but I shoved the gown back down, deciding against it.

I looked up as I saw a flash of Veronica in the corner of my eye. She stood in the doorway, lingering there briefly before coming in.

This I knew would leave a life long wound that could be seen, unlike so many others.

Nothing feels real right now. It's like I'm trapped in this horrible nightmare that I can't get out of. What else could you possibly call the psycho mobster that wanted to use my face as his own personal canvas, and threatened to do to me what his goons did to my car tracking us all the way here and shooting Logan (and if not for my dad, me too)? I mean, how did he find us? We were so careful.

Maybe we shouldn't have stayed in one place so long... but I was sure there was no way anyone could find us. We must've screwed up somewhere... but where? What did we do in front of the wrong person that tipped them off?

I don't think I have ever been so scared in my entire life as I am right now. Logan was so scared before he blacked out, and I couldn't help him. He wanted me to help, and I couldn't do anything except my failed attempts at not panicking. He was the one comforting me. Telling me everything was going to be all right, when he was the one that had a very real chance of bleeding to death... protecting and reassuring me without even a thought to himself. I should have been the one trying to reassure him, make sure he wasn't scared.

I really should've expected this... I was too happy. Things were going too well. And every time things in my life start going right, something happens to take it all away. Every time. I can't lose him... I need him. He's too big a part of my life for him to just not be here anymore. I can't keep losing people like I did Lilly. The huge, defining presences, just gone in a completely permanent way.

If my dad hadn't shown up when he did... I can't even think about it... it's too scary. I already feel like I can't catch my breath and that everything's spinning out of control... but I guess that's normal when the man you love enough to give up your entire life for is in the next room with a team of doctors fighting for his life.

I know my dad's worried about me, because I haven't done much short of cry my eyes out since he got to our apartment, never mind since we got to the hospital. Forming words through the sobs on the drive over here was just a bit too much effort.

I jammed my fingers roughly through my tangled jet-black hair, getting the sticky damp parts away from my face. Fingers that were covered in Logan's blood.

Okay, so yeah, I'm gonna act like a little kid and cling to my dad for a while. Maybe I'll finally feel like I can catch my breath at some point. I pulled my body into a tighter ball and curled into his side, completely thankful these stupid plastic chairs didn't have arms on them. I needed him to hold me and make me feel safe, like everything was going to be okay again. "I'm so glad you're here." I mumbled softly into his shoulder. "I don't think I could deal with all this by myself..."

If you could even call what I was doing dealing.

"I have no idea how you found us, but thank you." I added, sniffling. "Daddy, I'm so scared..."

It's become a habit I never thought I'd get accustomed to, to wake up beside someone everyday and to look forward to that. I actually look forward to the day beginning instead of the day ending so I can close my eyes and fall asleep and everything can just continue being shitty without me actually being conscious of that fact.

The days have bled together so much that I'm not even remotely sure when I last had the nightmares. The last time I had walked around at night restlessly instead of going to sleep. I don't remember when I became comfortable with sleep again either. Two weeks ago? Three? I'm not even sure if it really matters anymore.

Veronica and I are stuck in our own little world with different names and a different life that's nothing like the ones we'd possessed in Neptune. I can see the occasional shade when her eyes darken and she thinking about her father, but everything here just becomes easier with time, I guess. Everything becomes easier and for the first time in my life I'm able to just push it all behind.

Leaving Neptune might have been easier than it should have been, but now that I'm gone I'm not ever sure that I'd want to go back.

I remember last week we had to babysit Shira. And I'm not sure if either of us had done that, but I really hadn't. Veronica had been out at first, taking care of photographing the view of the restaurant for the new menus Daniel and Maribeth asked her create. I almost choked on my own breath at the thought of taking care of some kid, but at the same time it had been Shira and Shira was practically some miniature equally talkative version of her mother once she got to know you and got past the shy stage.

I kept thinking about the fact that I still has these mysterious cooking skills whereas weeks ago Veronica had caved in and made her ever evasive snickerdoodles. Every now and then there was a joke that I was going to finally showing her by putting a frozen pizza in the oven, but I had other plans for tonight.

Putting in the mixed CD I had made her for background music, I stirred the homemade spaghetti sauce I'd started cooking the moment she went out to work this morning. Lowering the temperature to a slow boil on a separate burner, I stirred the pasta.

"So, I'm pretty sure that Maribeth is trying to put more meat on our bones. I got leftovers from downstairs, I hope that's okay...-"

She stopped at the sight of me cooking.

"Um, not really," I teased with a sly smile, barely glancing up to see the look on her face. "I got bored," I motioned towards the food. "By the way, you weren't supposed to see this until it's done, so... you can go back downstairs until I finish."

After running around and getting everything we needed for tonight and putting it all away in the appropriate spots, short of the DVDs, which I left on the counter, I told Logan I was going to call my dad and disappeared into the bedroom. It wasn't like I was hiding what we were going to talk about from Logan. He pretty much knew anyway. How things were going with the case, how everybody at home was. I just wanted my focus to be on my dad without Logan watching me to make sure I was alright the entire time. It was just easier.

( Convo with Dad... )

I let out a breath after I clicked off the phone, and dropped it in garbage can near the bed before leaving the room. As much as I loved hearing my dad's voice, all I wanted to do was cry over how much I missed him, how much I just wanted to be able to see his face. Such a simple little thing was so beyond impossible right now and that knowledge hurts so much. No matter how much we fought or how angry I was with him, he was my dad. He was the one who was always there. That I could count on no matter what... I know that's all still true, but being so far away from him, being almost afraid to call him because it might lead to someone figuring out where we are? The only thing harder than this was losing Lilly. My mom had bailed long before she actually did.

I headed straight for the couch and curled up beside Logan. Staying in the bedroom by myself and crying right now seemed pointless when I knew he was out here wondering how it went, if I was okay. He knew not being able to see my dad was the only problem I had with any of this, so why hide it? "Hey." I said softly, "So, apparently we're missing quite a bit in Neptune."

It's the fifth night a row this week that I haven't been able to sleep. Not sleep in so many ways that I wonder if there really is something wrong with me. Of course there is, I just can't exactly vocalize it. We've been here for a total of three weeks, maybe more, and five days ago I started to have dreams - nightmares (memories?) - that just make me break out into a cold sweat in the middle of the night.

When you sleep along side the daughter of a private investigator, it's not exactly something that can be hidden either - especially when for the previous weeks we'd been together like nothing could touch either of us and now I'm waking up in the middle of the night unable to get back to sleep and not even wanting to because I don't even want to dream anymore.

It starts out the same as usual - there's a flood of streetlight in my eyes when open them, it's distinctly that night. The night that everything went down. The night that Felix was killed, the same one that I was accused of murder (not once, but twice), the night my dad was jailed for killing Lilly himself. Everything is vivid about this dream - so much that I have to keep from shaking or feeling like I'm going to get sick over it. Every moment feels real like it's some memory and not a dream, not some sick reoccurring nightmare.

Distinctively, I hear one of the PCHer's voice in my head - Thumper or Bambi. I'm pretty sure it's some sort of Disney name and I'm damn sure it's not Cinderella - and he's asking me what I've done. My eyes drop to the knife in my hand, the switchblade that smiles, and it's covered in thick coursing blood and Felix because it's still inside of him.

I feel this ache like a bouncing emptiness in my chest and it just hurts. My ribs feel like they're caving in and I can feel them sharp like they're broken again like they were in the summer. I can smell the sea and blood - my own or otherwise - it's salt and copper and I want to spit at the taste. It's bitter just like me.

Instead of dreaming of teaching Veronica how to surf on the beach or even about the time we've spent with each other this last while, I'm dreaming about a murder I was accused of. It just keeps getting more real, more textured and even more filled with sensation to the point that I'm not even sure that it's not real.

And I can't deal if it is real.

This has been the first time in my life that I've actually had things somewhat falling into place in the middle of a disaster. Veronica's here and I don't want her to just disappear. I couldn't deal if she was just gone or if this whole thing was right. I just can't even deal with thinking it's even close to the truth anyway. How do you ignore something that's coming out more like a memory than a dream? It's being brought up because it wants to be and I'm just continuing to...-

There's a murder investigation that Keith Mars is trying to solve back in Neptune to prove I'm not some kind of psycho who gets off on this shit - who gets away with this shit - and I'm up splashing water against my face because I'm worried that I might have been that all along.

In the mirror, I look up and see Veronica's reflection watching me from behind when I go to take a good look at myself anyway. "Did I wake you?" I ask her quietly, pressing my lips together for a moment and wiping the damp off my forehead with the hand towel.

And fuck if this is ever happening now. Fuck if it's real because I'm not sure that I can even believe it. I'm not sure that I don't deserve to be back in that prison along side with everything else. All I know is that I didn't intend it. I didn't want it - not ever - and maybe that puts me a step above all the sick fucks out there, but not by much. It doesn't change things, Felix is dead and it's because of me. Hell, maybe to top if off the bus tumbling over off the cliff is me too.

I feel my stomach starting to churn at the look on her face - the concern, everything. "I didn't mean to wake you," I say. And hell if I ever want to tell her what's going on.

"Right, I don't have to prove anything to you? This is why we went from being almost happy all things considered to barreling full speed into an argument? I'm so sure." I rolled my eyes, getting up as he pulled his arm from around me. Getting dressed seemed like a plan. Not being in the same bed with him seemed like the better one right now. I was not having a fight with him while we were both naked on what was for all intents and purposes 'our' bed.

"It wasn't like that." I insisted, quickly getting my underwear and bra. "Things with Duncan and I? Hadn't exactly been right since the bus crash. I kept hoping maybe if we kept trying, things would get better, but they kinda just went the other way increasingly. We stayed together a lot longer than we should have. But we've been over that. How things weren't working and how we were basically going through the motions because we just couldn't seem to let go of the past? It wasn't convenient. We love each other. We kept ignoring all the signs that we shouldn't be together because we wanted it to work. But at least one of us was still in love with someone else." I said pointedly, pulling on my jeans and doing them up. Part of me couldn't help but wonder if Duncan blamed me for Meg being on that bus. It was pretty obvious that whatever the two of us shared, there was a strong bond there, too, for them to even get in a situation where Meg is pregnant...

"I know all of this is my fault, okay? I get that. I messed up, and I'm sorry." I said, my voice wavering slightly, tears trying to pool in my eyes. I know I'm the one that left him. But we've been over that more times than I care to count right now. "I know 'sorry' doesn't fix it or erase it, but I don't know what the hell you want me to say here, Logan. It's been pointed out that I'm more than a little self-centred." Okay, not in so many words, but that's exactly what Wallace meant when he went off on me for insisting Jackie set me up on that stupid cable-access psychic's show. That's exactly what he meant by saying it was my world and everybody else just lived in it. That I was self-centred and basically a craptastic friend for not even noticing everything that was going on with him. "I can't take back anything that's been said or done, so what the hell do you want from me?" I asked, desperately trying to make my voice stay close to normal levels before untangling my shirt and pulling it on.

I ran my fingers through my hair roughly, thinking about how he said he didn't think Lilly deserved what had happened. Maybe not, but she did nothing but invite that possibility, didn't she? She was almost always inviting trouble, upping the ante just enough for her to get a rush out of whatever she was doing. Pushing things just that much further every time. It was bordering on inevitable in a way. And I hated thinking like that. I didn't want to think that about my best friend.

"Yeah, they do. Sometimes they just get caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. That applies to pretty much any death by any external influence. Like all those kids on the bus that day. Other times, people go out of their way to invite the drama and the trouble and up the chances that something could happen." Like he and Lilly both did. Like Weevil, Felix and the rest of the PCHers did. Hell, even I did it on occasion while working on a case... but it wasn't as if I enjoyed that. That's the whole reason my dad would rather me wait tables. Safer. Less likely I'm going to get hurt. "Trouble finds us easily enough without us actively looking for it, that's all I'm saying."

Why was he acting like my being afraid to lose him was some sort of insult? Some sort of personal affront. It wasn't like I was complaining about his surfing. That was plenty dangerous in its own way, but I didn't say anything until his risk taking started involving things getting burnt down and vehicles being shot out did I start having issues.